The Finish Line

As we cross the 1 year threshold of the building process, I have started to look back on this past year with a somber and bittersweet feeling.

Definition of bittersweet

1: being at once bitter and sweet especially : pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret

The process of building a house has been one I would hesitate to recommend to other individuals. Specifically to the ones that LIKE being married. :)

It's been challenging, exhausting, exciting, dreadful, shocking, hopeful, inspiring, agonizing, painful, and beautiful all at the same time. It's been challenging in ways I didn't think it would be. I assumed arguing over which backsplash would look best would be the extent of our heated debates (which didn't worry me much since Brandon and I have such similar taste). Instead, what I was presented with was a litany of back orders, labor shortages, miscommunications, pandemics, poor time management, difficult conversations with strangers, making decisions on the fly, learning to accept disappointment, asking for what you want, being assertive, having compassion, having realistic conversations, being flexible and also - patience. Those are the things I was not expecting to build inside myself when I started building a house. Yet they have actually transformed me into an entirely different person than I was a year ago.

We are getting ready to embark on a new chapter in our lives. One where some things will be easier, and some things will require more hard work and forethought. Our new property, will come with new responsibilities. Seeing as we want it to become a homesteading property, there's a lot of work in our future and on the land itself.

Each day I try to practice the patience that the universe has sought out to teach me through this project. Today, I realized it was trying to teach me something else too - hope.

I've recently been listening to Brené Brown's book called, "Atlas of the Heart" (which is an incredibly amazing book based on using language to name and define over 87 different human emotions and making meaningful connections with people using them) She talks about how hope is not what we think it is. It is a learned thinking process, rather than a warm, fuzzy, inspired, feeling that everything is going to be alright. Feelings play a part in it - but the feelings come after the cognitive process is worked out. Hope is a combination of goals, pathways, and agency. In order to have hope, you have to have: 1.) the ability to set realistic goals 2.) you have to know how you will achieve those goals and the different pathways you can take to get there, and 3.) you have to believe in yourself that you have the strength and persistence to achieve what you want.

I have learned how to have hope from this project. I have gone through times where I have succumb to hopelessness. I lost hope when I didn't think getting this house done was a realistic goal, or I didn't know how to fix problems that arose, and especially when I reached breaking points where I wasn't sure if I could keep living with one foot in two different worlds anymore.

Seeing her today though, with the flooring and tile being placed one piece by piece and watching it come together - I have watched myself take pathways to achieve each individual goal I've set, and I believe I can get it finished. I have hope once again.

This property is so special in so many ways. It also becomes more and more special as time goes on. It will also earn it's significance to me through the love, energy, and work I put into it. It will be something that you have to put your whole life into, but when it pays off, it pays off big time. I pray that I can be worthy of that responsibility - and that reward. I also hope that reward resembles something like a purposeful and important role for me and my family to play in the circle of life.

In the meantime, enjoy what I have been working on. Trying to hone in my skills with the camera and also prepare our current home for the changes in the near future. The bittersweetness of our departure, is soon to come.

“The bittersweet side of appreciating life's most precious moments is the unbearable awareness that those moments are passing.”

― Marc Parent, Believing It All: Lessons I Learned from My Children