Shared Reality

Transparency, vulnerability - these are things that are hard to swallow... let alone allowing other people on the outside of your life to see those parts - and trusting them with it.

The truth of it is, is that you have to be transparent and vulnerable in order to build a community. In order to form real connections, and in order to understand your meaning and your place in this world - you have to show that side to people, and inevitably - you have to trust them. It's frightening. It becomes even more frightening when you have experiences that have led you to feel as if trusting people was the wrong decision.

The opposite of vulnerability... secrecy, silence, and judgement are all emotions we can turn inwards that lead to shame. In my observation, shame can be an endless cycle of never opting to be vulnerable and therefore never truly understanding that weight you're carrying around. Shame stands behind a wall of inner protection... it's a bit of a self- fulfilling prophecy, in the sense that in order to truly let go of shame and heal you must let down that protection and volunteer to be vulnerable.

It's a very difficult thing to do. I have to admit that the struggle exists and therefore the struggle is a relevant part of my life and now, and a relevant part of others' lives as well. It's also risky to be vulnerable. It opens you up to more shame. However, it simultaneously opens you up the antidote of shame - which is empathy - but it opens you up to more shame too. The reactions and actions of others can stimulate a shame response to this really raw part of who you are. At the end of the day, shame is derived from the concept of how I view myself from someone else's eyes.

"Shame is a social emotion. Shame happens between people and it heals between people."

- Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

Naturally - there's a level of shame in admitting to people that you are not doing well. There's definitely vulnerability to that statement too. I do have a belief that if I do not share those things that I cannot build a community like I want to though, and it becomes essential for me to admit these things to myself... and also to our community.

In doing so, I open myself up to the very thing that could literally make some parts of that shame disappear -and that is true empathy.

Things have been challenging lately in our household. A house building project that has been going on longer than our son has been alive. Plans that have been in the works for several years that seem to have no end. Obstacles that have tested ten years of a relationship and shaken it. Learning to be parents to an active and busy toddler. A lifetime of trauma, hurt, and painful memories. These things on their own are hard to deal with. In combination, they have made this part of our life feel impossible to get through. Our marriage, our livelihoods, our sanities have been tested to the max. I have lost and found divinity in a span of days and I am still trying to find it. My mental health has taken a turn for the worst - and I've been struggling with things that I thought were long gone from my life. It has felt a lot like rock bottom - and from here there has to be a plan to climb back out.

In this blog, I have taken a lot of information from a piece of literature I have been working through that I mentioned above, It's Brené Brown's most recent book called "Atlas of the Heart; Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience". It's a very insightful book that dives into a ton of different human emotions and how to name them appropriately in our lives - making us more at peace with ourselves and enhancing our relationships. I have found a lot of what she has to say very useful in my daily life. Especially considering I am a type of person who needs to feel things and also understand why I feel things.

She has a lot of beautiful ways of thinking about human connection and how we can use language to strengthen that between each other. One of those beautiful ways that we all end up connecting with one another is the human emotion of empathy.

I think a lot of people, including myself at one point, had this concept that being an empathetic person was a little bit of a blessing and a curse. I think this line of thinking comes from an incorrect way of thinking about empathy. According to Brené and her research, there are two elements of empathy. Cognitive empathy and affective empathy. Cognitive empathy is the ability to recognize and understand another person's emotions. Versus affective empathy is actually one's own attunement with another person's emotional experiences.

Affective empathy can be dangerous, as it can actually lead us down a path out of empathy. Feeling something alongside a person can be a gateway to feelings of overwhelm. Rather, true empathy that can heal people comes from a cognitive - "thinking" process.

Making empathy into a cognitive process requires us to focus our attention on the other person's experience. The only time we should think about ourselves when trying to express true empathy - is when we are drawing upon our own experiences that help us understand what emotions this person is feeling. We don't get overwhelmed by them, but rather we allow our own personal experiences to give us a base to draw from and relate to this person that is hurting. We don't actually have to have the exact same experiences as the person we are trying to relate to. The only tool we need in order to express empathy is the ability to experience those emotions at all. If you have ever experienced grief, joy, shame, heartbreak, disappointment, love, hope, etc. then you have everything you need to be able to empathize with anyone who is struggling with those things.

So this week that's what I am asking my community to do. It feels like a lot to ask. However, when I break down what I am doing, I am not actually asking at all. I am simply sharing my experiences with a hope that it might resonate with someone that has also been in a place where they have felt lost, confused, impatient, heartbroken, letdown, and in recovery. It's the only way I believe I can connect us all on a level we desperately need to - and if you're feeling any of those things today, if you're feeling like you're life is spinning out of control, and you don't know where to go next... just know, you're not alone. I know exactly what that feels like.

I have been throwing myself into my creative outlets and making plans for the future. It's the only way I can see the light at then end of the tunnel. Check out my new t-shirts I've spent a lot of time designing and give our YouTube channel a glance if you want to keep up with all the happenings going on in our crazy life!

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more crafts, insight, home building/decor, homesteading, videos and more!